choices...

once again, i've managed to pull off a disappearing (non-appearing, to be precise) act this afternoon. even i'm appalled by how big an a$$ i can be (or maybe, that's wat i really am... haizz)...

rejection is such a difficult thing... can someone teach me how? if the current situation persists, i can jolly well go hide inside a shell and never come out. this reminds me of one of the questions mr mint answered during the retreat @ ubin.

Q: What belongs to you but others use it more than u do?
A: Name

imo, it's time... or more accurately, personal space...

if i have a choice, i'd be a hermit. hide in a place separated from this world; where i shall not be affected by people around me; more imptly, where the people around me shall not be affected by my whims...

if i have a choice, i'd rather not be remembered, not to have left footprints in the memories of others (well, at least footprints ancient enough to be washed away by time); juz like footprints on a newly mopped floor, irksome and needing to be wiped off asap. it's sad, but it's easy...

is this being kind to others? i think PT has hit the nail on its head... this is merely egoism...

ahead lies two paths...
1.be a friend, do the right thing!
2. be a man (fiend), do the right thing!

i can choose to be a good friend, turning up at all gatherings/outings possible (which means turning up as long as i have the time, regardless of how i feel abt it)... or i can choose to be a man, doing wat i really feel like doing, and risk losing friends (this might seem exaggerated to some... but thats wat i feel)... notice how yanzhi is conveniently forgotten when it comes to arranging gatherings? am i the only one who remembers yanzhi is one of us too? haizz....

Disclaimer: not implying anything by dragging yanzhi into my ramblings; juz to put across my point in a more substantial manner

one word. courage.